You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters (Paperback)
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I'm a sucker for a self-help book, and I thought I might be in for the same comforting, uplifting stuff I read year after year. Nope. Murphy goes beyond the well-worn, "Nod your head and don't interrupt." We know when we're being merely tolerated and not heard. Those speaking to us know when we are not interested. How to we reconnect and get interested again? Murphy's conversations with a former CIA chief interrogator are especially enlightening. Apparently thinking you know what someone is going to say kills your ability to hear and connect. Familiarity and assumption are both the enemy of listening.— Sissy
You're Not Listening is New York Times contributor Kate Murphy's eye-opening wake-up call about the worldwide epidemic of not listening.
"If you’re like most people, you don’t listen as often or as well as you’d like. There’s no one better qualified than a talented journalist to introduce you to the right mindset and skillset—and this book does it with science and humor."—Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Originals and Give and Take
**Hand picked by Malcolm Gladwell, Adam Grant, Susan Cain, and Daniel Pink for Next Big Ideas Club**
"An essential book for our times."—Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
When was the last time you listened to someone, or someone really listened to you?
At work, we’re taught to lead the conversation.
On social media, we shape our personal narratives.
At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians.
We’re not listening.
And no one is listening to us.
Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how. And it’s making us lonelier, more isolated, and less tolerant than ever before. A listener by trade, New York Times contributor Kate Murphy wanted to know how we got here.
In this always illuminating and often humorous deep dive, Murphy explains why we’re not listening, what it’s doing to us, and how we can reverse the trend. She makes accessible the psychology, neuroscience, and sociology of listening while also introducing us to some of the best listeners out there (including a CIA agent, focus group moderator, bartender, radio producer, and top furniture salesman). Equal parts cultural observation, scientific exploration, and rousing call to action that's full of practical advice, You're Not Listening is to listening what Susan Cain's Quiet was to introversion. It’s time to stop talking and start listening.
One of The Washington Post's "Notable Works of Nonfiction in 2020"
"If you’re like most people, you don’t listen as often or as well as you’d like. There’s no one better qualified than a talented journalist to introduce you to the right mindset and skillset—and this book does it with science and humor."
-Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Originals and Give and Take
“You’re Not Listening is an essential book for our times. How well we listen determines how we love, learn, and connect with one another, and in this moment when we need to hear and be heard more than ever, this thought-provoking and engaging book shows us how.”
-Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
"I was instantly hooked by Kate Murphy's simple but profound argument--that although listening is the foundation of communication, innovation, growth, and love, few of us really know how to do it properly, or where to even start. You're Not Listening is a captivating and enlightening book that provides readers with a road map on how to listen and why it is so important to how we connect, work, and live."
-Kim Scott, New York Times bestselling author of Radical Candor
"This lively book makes an impassioned plea for listening--an instructive and thought-provoking book that will help readers think about the way they frame questions and responses to forge intimacy."
"Fiercely topical...You're Not Listening is an intriguing and constructive take on the problem...and a manual for better communication. Murphy’s book is intelligent and thought-provoking…. Listening is when someone take a real interest in who you are…a moment of attunement and understanding that sticks in both heads. We could all do with some of that."
-The Times (London)
"It’s time for a spot of re-education.... A fascinating guide to something we assume we do automatically, yet for the most part do very badly.... The art of listening is really the art of being human."
"In an age when technology has made it easier than ever before to talk with each other, we’ve paradoxically become worse at listening. Fortunately, we have Kate Murphy to teach us how to reclaim this crucial skill. This book changed the way I think about communicating with the people who matter to me."
-Cal Newport, New York Times bestselling author of Deep Work and Digital Minimalism
"With concrete advice and a wealth of guidelines, readers will come away with tips for a better approach, one that can be exceptionally useful, whether in the boardroom or at home. In an era dominated by incessant broadcasting and attention-seeking behavior on social media, listening offers both a salve and a solution."
"From communication researchers to general audiences, this informative and well-documented book will prod readers to reexamine the way they listen to others, individually and collectively, and to consider the many negative repercussions of not doing so."
"The premise of this book couldn't be more timely... inspiringly profound… Smart and playful... It feels like a reiteration of something essential... Murphy is here to remind us – entertainingly and compellingly – exactly why it matters so much, especially right now. Hear, hear."
"Kate Murphy…has pinpointed an uneasy truth in her new book: we may be great at leading the conversations, but perhaps not so much being on the receiving end of them.”